Have you ever heard of Korsakoff Syndrome? Yeah, me neither! 

What is Korsakoff Syndrome?  

Google puts it this way: “Korsakoff syndrome (also known as Korsakoff’s amnesic syndrome) is a memory disorder that results from vitamin B1 deficiency and is associated with alcoholism. Korsakoff’s syndrome damages nerve cells and supporting cells in the brain and spinal cord, as well as the part of the brain involved with memory.” (https://www.ninds.nih.gov/health-information/disorders/wernicke-korsakoff-syndrome#:~:text=Korsakoff%20syndrome%20(also%20known%20as,the%20brain%20involved%20with%20memory) 

Click on Korsakoff Syndrome to learn even more about this disease.  

Although bringing awareness to this disease is important, I feel you will understand it much better through the eyes of a remarkable young woman whose mother suffers from the disease.  

I met Alexa on Tik Tok. You probably have seen her videos, but if you have not, click this link to the video that went viral with over 4 million views! That video made me cry and helped me realize that we shared a common bond as total strangers. I had to learn more about her relationship with her mother. That is when I reached out to her. Boy, am I glad that she responded back to me!  

If you have read my story, you already know that I did not have a great relationship with my own mother. My mother was an alcoholic too. But that is not where the similarities ended with us but rather that is where they began. Both Alexa and I have been brainwashed, manipulated, groomed, and abused in an emotional, physical, and sexual way. Her life eerily mirrors my own.  

Both of us suffered this abuse not only from our mothers but from a non-blood related stepfather who served in the military. Both stepfathers ended up winning custody of their non-blood related children and continued to abuse us in ways that no one should endure.  

We were even groomed in similar ways. Our stepfathers tried to get us to do things of our own accord, to make it appear that we wanted what they were more than willing to give, in a very unnatural and disgusting manner.

Both Alexa and I were separated from our mothers during a pivotal time in our lives as we were growing into women, where we were fed lies and made to believe that we were special. Then the veil was abolished, and we saw our abusers for who they truly were and that’s when we were reunited with our mothers again. But the trauma before, during and after the separation remained in a not so neat bundle, messing us up in ways we never fully understood then and are still trying to make sense of now.  

I know this all sounds grim, but have you seen Alexa in her videos? What you see is a radiant, beautiful glow on her face with a pure smile that instantly puts you at ease. How can a woman who has endured so much in only 26 precious years be so happy, loving, and dare I even say forgiving? 

It is because she made a conscientious choice to turn things around. To break the cycle. As she puts it in her own words: ” Be the change that you want to see in the world.” 

Alexa told me in our interview that she had been angry for a long time. Angry with herself because she had a part in helping her stepfather get custody of her and her siblings. Angry that she had a part in pushing her mother away. This was all done with assistance from her stepfather. He paid Alexa $500 to bash herself in the head with a rock so she could lie and say that her mother did it. Alexa was also angry at her mother for leaving in the first place, not fighting, and giving up. She was angry at her mother for choosing to drink rather than get help and change her life around. She was angry that she was never the mother she should have been. She was angry at her mother for not being able to be the mother she still needed. She was mad and hurt that her mother got more excited to see her dog than her.  

There is so much to be angry about. It is all valid and justified. Her mother was abusive and an angry woman herself. She made poor choices that have not only affected her life but everyone else around her.  

The key is that Alexa chose to not be angry anymore. She started to realize that although it was okay to be angry, it was not going to solve anything. It would only make matters worse in the end. That right there is the beginning of ending abusive cycles. That realization is where it all starts!  

Once she made that decision to change things, Alexa then looked at her mother differently. She started to see her in an empathetic way. Not making excuses but rather trying to put herself in her mother’s shoes. Looking at things from her mother’s perspective.  

Alexa’s mother’s name is Darla. Darla started drinking at the tender age of 13 to cope with several members of her family who had passed away. Darla had also being sexually abused and she had to make the heart wrenching decision to carry out a closed adoption all before she turned 18.

Can you imagine all of that happening to you and somehow you are supposed to know how to deal with adult problems when you are still a child? Yeah, I cannot either! Alexa and I have lived through some of the same things. In hindsight we can now understand but at the time we were living out our nightmares we did not know where or whom to turn to. We had not learned the skills to cope either.  

We all turned to something as an escape. For Alexa’s mother it was alcohol. For Alexa it was weed. For me it was books.  

After awareness, there is understanding. It is not making excuses for the person but simply understanding what led them to make the decisions that they did. Why did they feel the need to choose a path of destruction in their lives?  

But it does not have to be that way. What is the difference though? Why do some of us choose to medicate with alcohol, weed or books? It has a lot to do with who was around us at the time or what we were given that finally numbed the pain. No matter where it all started from, in the end, we can all choose to get help and pave a different path our future and our future families.

That is the hope that Alexa and I have. By sharing our stories, you too can see that it is not hopeless and that there are resources you can turn to to get help and to change your circumstances. Some of us can do it before it is to late while some of us cannot. 

My mother passed away and I never got the answers that I was seeking. The main question I asked myself was: “Why wasn’t I enough?”  

Alexa asked the same question, and I am certain hundreds, or even thousands of other daughters are asking that very same question too.  

YOU ARE ENOUGH! We should not be defined by our choices. We should not define ourselves based off what others have done or not done. Yes, there are consequences to every action. Good or bad. But that should not define who WE are. We ultimately have the choice each day to be who we want to be. What others have done does not mean we cannot still be who we choose to be. Let that sink in. Re-read that as many times as you need to to believe it in yourself. Hell, write it on a mirror and note cards and place it everywhere so you are consistently reminded of that. 

After Alexa looked at her mother with empathy and understood her, that is when her mother became human to her. A woman who took the knowledge and circumstances that she had and did what she felt what was right for her at that time.  

It is easy to forget that. We see people and we decide who WE want them to be. Once we drop that idea, that is when the unexpected happens. We suddenly find that we can cope, forgive, and still have a relationship.  

It may not be in the way we thought it would be but that does not make it any less of a beautiful and viable relationship.  

Alexa let go of the fact that her mother is no longer her mother, but she is still a human being deserving of love. She has vowed that she will show her mother the love that she never got in her past. Although Alexa is the parent and Darla is the child, they can still have a meaningful relationship and it is never too late to repair what once was broken.  

Alexa and Darla regularly get manicures together, go to the fair, eat meals together and hang out. It is in these everyday moments that Alexa sees the simple beauty that her mother never got to experience until now. Giggles, childlike happiness, and laughter. These are the moments that bond a mother and daughter together. Seeing each other for who we are and appreciating the simple things about one another.  

Alexa stated that her mother’s voice is soft and pure and that there is an innocence to it. It is hard to imagine how mean her mother once was. It is hard to get mad at her. She has changed even if it is because of Korsakoff Syndrome. She no longer is the same woman she used to be. But that does not make her less valuable and worthy of love. If anything, it may show us that she needs love even more.  

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