Over the years I have read self help books, went to therapy, and watched shows like Dr. Phil to help me better understand myself and others. I have always had a deep interest in Psychology, but, I do not profess to be an expert of the mental health field. I simply learn what I can, apply what is suggested and see what happens. If it works, great! If not, I learn more about myself and try to hone in on the real issue at hand and go from there until the problem has been solved.

However, with that being said, there have been two key areas I failed to “diagnose” in my situation. Even counselors failed to pick up on the issue or at the very least never stated what potentially may have been going on: That I was living with a narcissist and that I was codependent.

I have a hunch now that my step-father was a narcissist and I was married to one as well.

I have also recently learned that I am codependent because of complex trauma that I suffered as a child. That trauma causes codependency and in turn causes someone like myself to get into unhealthy relationships.

It sucks. But. Now, I finally understand that I am not broken. That I am not useless. That I am not less than others. That I do deserve happiness. I do deserve healthy relationships. That I can be heard and my voice does matter. It sucks that I am 48 years old and discovering this reality about myself. As much as it sucks to not have known this information until now, I am extremely grateful that I am not like my mother who didn’t explore her options at all and died of alcoholism at the age of 66.

My mother had a rough upbringing. Her father abandoned his wife (my grandmother), my mother and her two sisters. What he was unable to give to one family he suddenly was able to give to another. She was raped by her step-father and her mom’s third husband, who was a good man, died too young. I can’t imagine how she felt. She must have had feelings of abandonment, hurt, maybe she even blamed herself. A lot of those thoughts and feelings go hand in hand with shaping codependency. It sounds like this type of behavior may be three generations deep into my roots. I cannot really blame my mother for the decisions that she made. She didn’t know any better and did what she thought was right. That is the key: what SHE thought. I think differently and chances are very high that you do too. It’s not about winning or losing. It’s about understanding. Understanding what shapes us to be who we are. To be ourselves. And when we are unhappy, it is up to us to figure out what will make us happy. To obtain the tools and guidance necessary to get us to where we want to be.

It sounds so easy. But why isn’t it though? Because we do not recognize in ourselves what we readily see in others. Even then, the symptoms mask the real issues at hand. Instead of seeing the wounds that need to be healed, we see what appears to be a normal shell only to be plagued by this inner nagging feeling of being broken. That somehow we will never be enough, that we are un-loveable, cannot be fixed and useless.

I am here to show you that it is not hopeless. YOU can heal and move forward to lead a happy and satisfying life. I can share my thoughts and the work I have done to get to where I am today, but ultimately, if you are not where you want to be, you have to decide what it is that YOU want and start designing the map on how to get yourself there. No one besides you can take this journey. We are all responsible for our own pathway.

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