On June 29th, 2020, as I was working, I received a Facebook message from my aunt Penny. She asked me if I wanted to know about my mother. I asked her what was going on and she replied to me that she was in the Intensive Care Unit. I, of course, asked my aunt what happened and she replied with one word “health”. Penny was going up to the hospital soon and she wanted to know how much I wanted to be informed about my mother’s condition.

The last time I had spoken to my mother was around April 2018 when my daughter, Keisha, called her to inform her that she was about to be a great-grandmother. We had a great conversation that day. We all seemed happy and yet she never once called me or my daughter again. Not to see how Keisha’s pregnancy was going, nor to ask for any ultrasound pictures, not even to congratulate her after Jaxson was born. Absolutely nothing. It wasn’t a surprise to me because she did the same thing to me when I was pregnant with my daughter. The only thing she did different was to be at the hospital when Keisha was born.

Knowing that I wasn’t on speaking terms with my mother, my aunt wanted to honor my wishes. I had made the painful decision to not “chase” after my mother again. I refer to my relationship with my mother as a roller coaster ride and I got off that ride for the last time when my grandson was born on my daughter’s birthday and I didn’t hear one word from my mother.

My aunt then informed me that my mother had a do not resuscitate order and if needed be, that my aunt would be the one to make any decisions on my mother’s behalf. Then my aunt asked me one simple question: “Are you okay?”. I replied, “I hope so”.

I just sat at my computer staring at it with tears in my eyes. I was contemplating on whether I could even go see her at this point. I knew in my soul that this was it. I knew I had a limited amount of time left to see her. I lived in Texas and she lived in Wisconsin. I didn’t have a whole lot of time to decide what I was going to do. I asked myself one question: If I didn’t go would I regret my decision? I wasn’t going to be able to go back and do a ‘do-over’. This was it. I decided to go.

I live with my boyfriend, his son, my daughter and my grandson. We all decided to go to Wisconsin so my mother could meet her great-grandson for the first and last time. It was her only dying wish.

It was a very long drive and I had plenty of time to think. I kept thinking about what I wanted to gain from this trip. How could I have peace with her? There were so many questions that I had and would never get answers to. I was never going to receive any type of explanation for why she made the choices that she did. Therefore, I decided that I would put my struggles aside and the only two things that I was going to focus on was letting her know that I loved her and that I forgave her. I wanted her to die as peacefully as she could. She would have to die knowing all of her regrets but I vowed that I wasn’t going to regret my decision to be there for her.

When we first arrived I was unable to see my mother because she was still in the ICU and because of COVID-19 she could only have two visitors and they had to take turns visiting her. Those two spots were taken by my mother’s husband and my aunt.

My mother made the decision to live out her final days at home instead of going to palliative care. I firmly believe she did that so she could see Jaxson. Children under the age of 18 aren’t allowed in palliative care. She never would have gotten to see him otherwise since he was only 19 months old.

Deep down inside my gut I think it was her last final way to show Keisha that she was sorry. That she didn’t want to let her down one last time.

My mother was discharged on Wednesday July 1st. That morning I went to Walmart to pick up some extra bed sheets and some food that she could eat.

Keisha, Jaxson and I went to see her in the early afternoon. On the twenty minute drive out to my mothers trailer Keisha and I discussed what my mother may be like. Would she be coherent? Able to get around or be bed ridden? Would she apologize to us for missing out on our lives? Give us any last piece of advice?

When we first got there she was lying in a hospital bed that was placed in the middle of the living room. She immediately saw us, recognized us and seemed happy that we finally arrived. I sat next to my mom rubbing her arm as Keisha introduced Jaxson to her. My mother smiled at her great-grandson and turned her head to look at him while he pointed to her eyes.

Hospice came later that day to give us instructions on how and when to administer medications to keep my mother as comfortable as possible. He set up for a caregiver to come the next day to assist her with with her personal cares such as bathing, changing clothes and changing her bed sheets.

On Thursday when we went to see her you could tell her health was declining more rapidly. She slept more and breathing became tougher for her. When she coughed she would try to clear out her throat as if something were stuck in it. She stopped drinking any fluids and she barely had any output.

I prepared my daughter for the signs of death so she would know what to expect. I had been a certified nursing assistant for many years and unfortunately have witnessed death several times before. I knew it wouldn’t be much longer now.

That is when I chose to tell my mom that I forgave her for everything that she had done. All the times she decided not to talk to me or to help me understand what she was thinking and feeling. I told her that when she was ready she could simply just let go. I made sure to tell her how much I loved her despite everything we had been through.

On Friday July 3rd my mother mostly slept. She no longer tried to communicate with us. She barely moved. We made sure that she was free of pain, we talked to her and held her hand to let her know that we were there with her. Around 4:00 pm I decided that we should go and I went to say goodbye to my mom. I gave her permission to die and whispered in her ear that whenever she was ready, it would be okay to let go.

My mom started to open her eyes, make some moaning noises and move her arms. I remembered the hospice nurse saying that she may get agitated and there was some medicine that we could give her to help her calm down. I decided to give her a dose but it didn’t seem to help. Then I thought that maybe she was in pain so I gave her some pain medication. She continued to move her arms and stare up at the light that was attached to the ceiling fan. My daughter and my mothers husband were by her side. They were trying to calm her down and then my daughter said out loud what we all were thinking: “I think she is dying”.

I’ll never forget the look of horror on my daughter’s face as she realized that this was it. My mother’s breathing became very shallow and her eyes just kept staring at the ceiling. At one point she said “Mom”!

My mother was very close to her mother. My grandmother had passed away when I was a preteen and my mother never truly came to terms with the fact that she was gone.

So when my mother said “Mom”, we all knew that she was about to die. Keisha told me to come over to the bed so we all could say our final goodbyes to her and we just held her hand and told her that it was going to be okay. Then after a few minutes she took her final breath.

She was only 66.

Although it was tough losing her, in a way I had prepared myself for this day many years before. When I was in my early 30’s I had a discussion with my mother and I had told her back then that if she didn’t make some changes in her life that as she was lying on her deathbed that she would have regrets.

When it came to her relationship with me, my daughter and alcohol…absolutely nothing changed. She continued to drink and she continued to pretend that Keisha and I didn’t exist.

It is weird to say this but I do know that my mother loved me. I wish that she could have shown me that she loved me throughout my life though. I also wish she could have been brave enough to talk to me. Not to feel shame and fear but to actually be open and honest and allow herself to heal. She endured a lot in her lifetime but it is my honest opinion that some of her choices made her life worse rather than better. Because of those choices she lost out on so much. To her last dying breath she didn’t even try to rectify any of her relationships. To hear that really saddened me but it also made me extremely proud of myself for being there. Because I proved to myself and to my mother and taught my daughter one valuable lesson: No matter how hard it is, do not let others stand in your way of being true to yourself and that can even include not allowing you to hold your own self back.

With this blog I intend to share my experiences of what I dealt with and how I was able to overcome and even grow from what I’ve been through. How I was able to have a wonderful, close relationship with my own daughter despite the obstacles I had to push myself through. I am not a licensed professional but my life is a leading example in many ways.

If I can do it so can anyone else!

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